A Third Unedited Page From My Journal
The Vulnerability Chronicles Part 3
Welcome or welcome back! Series three, episode six of A Writer’s Life! If you’d like to hear me read this, then click below: (Music by FASSounds and Music_For_Videos from Pixabay.)
6 minute read
“The Blackness. Keep, keep on.”
The first line of one of my favourite songs: Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness. I think it’s quite a clever first line as it refers to the name of the musical group as well as the state many of us enter from time to time. There are so many positive sayings now such as “it’s always darkest before the dawn”, “without shadow, we would not know light”, “rebirth follows death”, “the transformation after the dark night of the soul” and so on. Yes, they are all true and can be helpful and uplifting at the right time. But when you’re deep in it laying on your bed unable to move with a single tear running down your face. Catatonic. Even the tears want to leave the darkness you feel. An emptiness. It’s baffling how you can feel empty and heavy at the same time.
I’ve had times when I thought that I would never know joy and laughter again. That lightness had left my life and never find its way back. It’s hard to feel, no, be that way. It goes beyond a feeling, it becomes who you are. I became skilled at masking. Going out, smiling and socialising but just wanting to come back home. To my cave, to my darkness where nobody could see me and I couldn’t even see myself.
If you’ve ever experienced this, I am so sorry. This state of being is beyond challenging. No matter the cause, whether it’s bereavements (or multiple bereavements), estrangement, or relationship breakdowns, it all amounts to the same: loss.
And so we grieve. Except when we don’t. When my brother and his three young children were murdered I was only 18 years old. My brother had been on a pedestal my whole life and I adored the children, they were my life. Looking back, that was too much for a teenager to hold. There was no bereavement counselling, no mental health and wellbeing support. I took a week off college and missed a shift at my Saturday job at McDonalds and that was it. Back to business. I had to be strong. I was literally holding up people around me who were crying and crumbling. That’s the persona I took on. For years. Every bereavement that happened in the family, I was the strong one. Until I wasn’t and they all hit me all at once.
Not a small steady run of water trickling through a crack but more like the floodgates crashing down. It was a lot.
I survived and continue to survive by reminding myself that I did survive the last time. That it will pass. I’ve learnt over time (and it’s taken some time as well as deprogramming and unlearning) to adjust the expectations I have of myself in terms of how I show up. It’s ok to just keep my head above water. I don’t need to swim the Channel and I certainly don’t need to do it in Butterfly Stroke. I’ve learned tools to help me tread water. Those tools at times involve distraction, keeping busy, taking time out, exploring new hobbies and experiences or reminding myself that my ancestors survived. That’s why I am still here. I stand on the shoulders of those who came before me and this makes me strong; resilient.
I have accepted that my head may go under and I might drown. But I can be resuscitated. There are people around who love me and they are there for me. I am so blessed to have close family and friends who have been in my life since childhood. Loyal bonds of trust and love.
Maybe love is the way through the darkness. When depression has us disenchanted, disappointed and disillusioned. I applaud all of us who make it through. I applaud those who are going through it right now and pray that it passes for you soon.
Healing is not linear. It feels like a spiral and this is such an important reminder for me. I may feel this way now but it won’t be forever. That is the nature of life. Change. Hard but necessary. But, we keep on.
The blackness
Keep, keep on
Never say die
Keep, keep on
The blackness
Keep, keep on
Never say die
Keep, keep on
Keep, keep on
The blackness
Never say die
Keep, keep, keep
Never say die
Keep, keep on
Never say die
The blackness
Keep, keep on
Never say die
Optimistic
When in the midst of sorrow
You can' t see up when looking down
A brighter day tomorrow will bring, oh
You hear the voice of reason
Telling you this can't never be done
No matter how hard reality seems
Just hold on to your dreams, yeah
Don't give up and don't give in
Although it seems you never win
You will always pass the test
As long as you keep your head to the sky
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky
Face toward the sky
Be optimistic
If things around you crumble
No, you don't have to stumble and fall
Keep pushing on and don't you look back, oh
I know of storms and strife
I been around them all of life
Just think ahead and you'll be inspired
To reach higher and higher
You'll always do your best
If you learn to never say never
You may be down, but you're not out
Just be optimistic
Don't give up and don't give in
Although it seems you never win
You will always pass the test
As long as you keep your head to the sky
My, my, my
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky (you can win child)
You can win as long as you keep your head to the sky
Face toward the sky
Be optimistic
Don't you let no body stop you
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win, yea
Never say die
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Optimistic
Never say die
You can be optimistic
You can win (never say die)
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
You can win
As long as you keep your head to the sky
Be optimistic
Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness (1991)
Phew. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Better out than in as Shrek says. And it felt like the right time in my healing journey to let it out. These last three posts (The Vulnerability Chronicles) have been cathartic. It has been scary sharing this with the world. Raw and unedited, but this is my truth. I encourage others to share theirs. We are not alone and can learn so much from each other. Let’s keep on, together.
More from me here: https://linktr.ee/Writingforlight
This line really struck me. I don't think it had ever occurred to me before but you perfectly named it, thank you: "It’s baffling how you can feel empty and heavy at the same time."
Thank you for sharing your truth with us, Sarah, as always 🧡
This was an immensely comforting read, Sarah. I’m so happy I clicked it open. It’s been helpful sitting, waiting on a hospital appointment for my boy. These days are wearing. I appreciate your vulnerability. And send love to your grief.🙏🏼💛 Thank you!! I’m definitely checking out this song, too!! Music is everything.