I Clicked Submit
And kicked regret, doubt and worry so far into space, Captain Kirk wouldn't find it!
If you’d like to hear me read this, then click below: (Music by FASSounds and Music_For_Videos from Pixabay.)
8 minute listen
5 minute read
My Substack has been barren for a while. I didn’t intend to leave this long a gap, but life got all lifey! The past few months I’ve unsubscribed from many things in my life and I’m reeling from all the endings. The 30-year career in education. Goodbye. The almost decade-long acupuncture practice. Au revoir (because that may see me again). Responsibilities, projects and obligations out the window, free to find a home somewhere else. It’s been an eventful few months of reflection and learning.
My steady writing practice had waned but I have recommitted myself. Comitted to writing for me and accepting that my words may resonate with many but not all and I am fine with that. So I share these words below as a token of my gratitude for you taking the time to read my work.
T Minus Zero
All systems go! It was time, at last. I could feel the fizzle of excitement inside me expanding into vibrant electric energy surging towards an explosion. An explosion of freedom and power. A power that had remained latent for too long.
Now was the time for me to do the brave thing. I had been building up to this over time, little by little. Hiding in the shadows of my mind, creeping around the corners of my psyche and trying to work out who I was, am and will be.
It’s no mean feat to survive in this world. To try to reach for success, whatever that looks like. We tiptoe around people and spend so much time assessing their needs and fooling ourselves into believing they are our needs too. The power of projection is so potent and potentially deadly. But no more. I can no longer hold back what is inside me. The star yearning to shine its bright light. No wonder I had experienced years of not quite feeling right, not quite fitting in, and at times existing on the periphery of a life I had not planned. I don’t regret the experiences that have brought me this far. They say they make you who you are, but does it really need to be so hard? Do we always have to stand solitary at the top of a mountain surrounded by an expanse of loneliness and ever teetering over the edge?
At times, it’s hard to capture the bright spots of life. The glitter and sparkles of the energy of loved ones and sweet memories of time spent. They can often get buried beneath loss, grief, fear and guilt. This life brings so much illusion and it’s an everlasting quest to see through the mist so you can be who you truly are. So you can know that you are a part of something so much bigger than yourself, and the magic of life and living can be tapped into at any time. Joy and peace can be extracted. We only need to find and trust in the tools to do so, whatever they may be for you.
And so, I steady myself, take a breath and smile as I take that next step. My finger hovers over the key, the cursor drawing my attention to that single spot on the screen. Dare I? I do not know what will come next if I do. And that, I have learned is ok, regardless of the racing thoughts and my own physiology trying to derail me. Thoughts of doubt, fear of failure and anxiety over events I cannot control are tamed now. I remember that I am in control. I am the one who matters. It isn’t selfish. It’s love of self. With that reassurance and conviction, my finger falls gently but with purpose on the key. I clicked submit.
I’d love to know when hitting that ‘send’ or ‘submit’ button felt significant to you. Let me know in the comments. Which feeling did you need to overcome? What thoughts were going through your mind?
As it’s been a while, it’s news time! Here is a quick round-up of what I’m currently up to:
The main ‘pay the bills’ gig is working at a tech company flexing my writing skills (and learning a whole bunch of new ones)
Teaching Mat Pilates every week (I qualified last year - yep, I’ve been busy)
Assistant editor for Trembling With Fear, an online magazine at Horror Tree (website for all things speculative fiction and indie)
Interviews editor for Horror Tree (I get first dibs for the authors I want to interview - yay)
Occasional articles and posts for Horror Tree and The British Fantasy Society
Writing my book!!! 78 pieces of writing (flash fiction, short story, poem or prose) inspired by cards from the Tarot deck
An invitation for you!
I’m going through a glow-up and re-brand (personally and professionally) and I have an exclusive invitation for you. Read on…
So, is the real world getting you down? External influences and obligations pulling you away from, well, you? Press pause for a few and step into the Imaginarium to explore the place where you can get lost in the Story Studio, ponder and process in the Reflection Room or hang large in the Lyrical Lounge. It’s about reclaiming the time to get reacquainted with you and all parts of you. You’ll find stories, ponderings and poems created by me for you.
The Imaginarium is coming in May!
This content will be FREE but available to email subscribers only - kind of a secret club - but the wholesome kind! If you haven’t subscribed yet, come and join us - we’re building a little community. I’m excited to share so much more with you and for you!
One last piece of news: the handle for my socials has changed. You can find me here:
https://sarahelliott-writer.carrd.co/
Love this, Sarah! Appreciate your framing of self-love. Sometimes I struggle with letting my creative thoughts carry me away. Hitting ‘submit’ is so purposeful. A gift in so many ways.
What a brave person you are. Fly free and soar, and enjoy what your new life brings you 😘💗